Good evening and welcome to the 4,723rd Republican presidential debate since Jan. 21, 2008. I’m White House correspondent Jake Tappedout and I’ll be moderating tonight’s debate … because every other practicing journalist in the free world is in State College covering Joe Paterno’s funeral and I made the mistake of parking in the network president’s space yesterday in the rain. Geez, I thought he was still on his yacht in Jamaica.
We’re here at the Blue Plate Retirement Home in Sunny Acres, Fla., affectionately known by those residents coherent enough to remember it as “God’s Waiting Room.” I have to tell you that we are taping today’s debate for broadcast later tonight so that the seven members of our audience who were still ambulatory and continent enough to attend could get home in time for “Matlock.” On the other hand, I can tell you that thanks to developments over the past few weeks, this is the first time that the audience actually outnumbers the candidates on stage.
Gentlemen, shall we begin?
Mr. Gingrich, would you care to comment on the allegations by your third wife that you did, indeed, have a second wife?
Gingrich: I would not. But I will. I’m appalled that you would begin a presidential debate by asking such a personal question. I have told you people in the media over and over again that my past sins are just that, in the past. I’ve been redeemed. And besides, what’s the idea turning my own tactics against me? I’m the only one who can question anyone’s past, like, whether you-know-who inhaled or not, or what happened in the White House cloak room. And while I’m on the subject, how about the fact that a certain someone once spent time in France, of all places? Huh, what about that?
Moderator: Very good question. Mr. Romney, parlez vous Francais?
Romney: Non, je ne parle pas français. Je n’ai même pas comme le français frites ! Je vais même pas utiliser la moutarde française . Um, I mean, no I don’t speak French. This is just a low, underhanded attempt by my opponent to make me look smart. I’m not that smart. Really. If I had half a brain, I wouldn’t be in this race. I want the Republican voters to know that I am no smarter than them.
Moderator : Uh, OK then. Thank you, Mr. Romney. I think.
Romney : And besides, let’s get back to that multiple-wife thingy here. I’m supposed to be the Mormon in this race.
Gingrich : Massachusetts moderate.
Romney : Freddie Mac lap dog.
Moderator : OK, gentlemen, we have to move on to the other candidates. Please save your nastiest comments for personal interviews later so we can blow them all out of proportion on the Evening News.
Mr. Paul, would you please address concerns that you are really H. Ross Perot in disguise and your race is aimed at creating a state where you can make your own rules with your own army ?
Paul : Absolutely false, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar. And I never invaded anyone’s country with an army. I don’t believe in armies. The United States citizens should have their own guns without gun control to fight any foreign opponents … especially those sheiks who think they can control my empire. I mean, no, I believe that we have too many rules and regulations in this country and we have to get rid of most of them. In fact, if we didn’t have so many rules and regulations, I would have won that game of ‘Kick the Can’ back in sixth grade and I wouldn’t have turned out to be such a nerdy little weeny.
Moderator : Uh, right then, let’s move on. Mr. Santorum, please tell our television audience – our live audience has already fallen asleep – why you think you can beat Barack Obama when you got thrown over by the voters of Pennsylvania for Bob Casey the younger, a man so boring that staffers are assigned to check his pulse every 15 minutes to make sure that he is, in fact, alive even when delivering a filibuster on the Senate floor.
Santorum : Well, Jake, as the pro-life candidate in this race I present an alternative to the runaway pro-abortion tendencies of this liberal administration, which is not pro-life because I am the pro-life candidate in this race and I am running as the pro-life candidate because the pro life-movement needs me to be their candidate in this race. Have I made myself clear ?
Moderator : As mud. Gentlemen, that’s all the time we have tonight. I want to thank you for once again inflicting, I mean, explaining, your views to the American television audience, which has almost entirely changed the channel to a test pattern on PBS. Lady and gentleman who are still watching, good night. And God help us.
The Bulldog Edition 